12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
