theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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