So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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