did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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