my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
