Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
