He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
