does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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