One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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