I hate all girls vehemently.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
