God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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