He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
40s are totally the cure
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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