I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
