Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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