Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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