I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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