If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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