Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
