i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
