i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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