I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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