my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You made out with two different species that night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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