does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
