and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
