every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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