I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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