So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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