did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I need a burrito and a hug.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
