So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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