Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
