I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
