My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
