Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
