I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
