his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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