you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
