The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
