My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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