I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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