I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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