At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
