Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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