I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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