she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
