Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
