YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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