I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
