If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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