i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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