I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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