Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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