The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
