I wish I could teleport
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
