It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
