he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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