walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i've created a new STD.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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