If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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