So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize