yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
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Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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