The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
