so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
