Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
tell me about the eggs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
